UFC 106: Josh Koscheck Takes Home Douchebag Of Night Honors

After beating Anthony Johnson at UFC 106, Josh Koscheck got a win bonus and some extra spending money for just being his natural douchebag self.

Tito Ortiz is upset for not winning the D-bag of the night award bonus but UFC President Dana White believed that honor could only go to Josh Koscheck.

"When you pretend to get kneed in the f------ face but in reality you blocked it and then you take a ton of time to regain your senses and kill your opponent's momentum and then cry about not getting a title shot, you automatically win d-bag of the night" Dana White said as he handed Koscheck a check for $30,000.

Insiders knew it would be a tough call with both Ortiz and Koscheck fighting on the same night but Koscheck said he knew he would win all along,

"Yea Tito can be a whiny b--- sometimes but seriously, did you see me on the Ultimate Fighter? Tito married a porn actress and thinks he is cool, I almost feel bad for him. I am a true d-bag. I'm the kind of guy who dates your daughter and dumps her on her birthday."

Free Agent Dan Henderson Agrees To Deal With The New York Yankees

Free agent fighter Dan Henderson has finally been signed by an organization and it's not Strikeforce or the UFC. In a surpising move the New York Yankees have signed Henderson to a three-year deal that will pay him $13 million per year through the 2012 baseball season.

"The Yankees always get the top free agents in the off-season and this year is no different." Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said to a group of reporters."We can't wait to see Dan partake in a bench clearing brawl. Either standing up or on the ground we now hold an advantage in any on-field fights. Our pitchers should have no fear to pitch the other team inside now."

Henderson had a very public fallout with the UFC and says he is happy to now be employed by someone a little less emotional than UFC president Dana White. "You know George Steinbrenner and the Steinbrenner family treat their athletes with respect by paying them what they deserve. I have always admired what the Yankees brand stands for." Henderson said before taking a few rounds of batting practice. "While I am having trouble trying to make contact and hit the ball, my cardio seems to be better than most of my teammates. So that's good."

Brock Lesnar (With Hole In Intestine) to fight Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (Staph infection) In Battle Of Sick Heavyweights

The UFC has been decimated with injuries forcing many cards to be re-arranged this winter but now two of the company's biggest stars have volunteered to take one for the team. Dana White always said his fighters were tough but the heavyweight title bout between two severely sick athletes is set to make history,

"One guy has a hole in his f----- intestine. The other guy has f---- staph infection. Are you f----- kidding me? A proud Dana White said about the fight.

There has been no comment from the Nevada State Athletic Commission but it believed all referees, judges and spectators sitting ringside will be asked to wear protective gloves and a face mask for precautionary reasons.

The fight is scheduled to take place at UFC 109 on the same day that Mark Coleman, age 44, will fight Randy Couture, age 46, (EDITORS NOTE: that is actually a real fight scheduled to take place) the card promises to not only make history but inspire both the sick and elderly.

Dana White concluded by saying, "you got Randy Cew-tour still fighting at 46 and Lesnar fighting with a hole in his intestine. You think Fedor will still be fighting in his mid-forties? You ever see Fedor fight with an intestinal problem? Yea, I didn't think so. This is what makes the UFC great."

On This Day In History: Royce Gacie Defeats French Army Via Triangle Choke

15 years ago Royce Gracie challenged the entire country of France to a fight and won.

It was Helio Gracie's idea to have his son show off Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to the world by fighting an entire nation. France answered the call to arms and Royce proceeded to beat up every single French army soldier by triangle choke. The battle took place in Paris and lasted an entire weekend. Royce defeating so many people in such a short time is seen as a watershed moment for the sport of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Royce rested just a few short weeks after the war with France and then won the tournament at UFC 4 by beating Dan Severn in the finals by triangle choke.

"Facing three skilled fighters in one night was actually more tiresome than my two day war with France. While the UFC Fighters still had no idea what the guard was or how to defend against the triangle choke they provided much more of a challenge than the French did." Royce Gracie said while reflecting on his epic battles in those last few months of 1994.

Randy Couture Is 322 Years Old In Dog Years

There are three things the MMA community never wants you to forget:

GSP is athletic
Lyoto Machida is elusive
Randy Couture is old

But no one realized just how old Couture was until looking at him through the lens of dog years. While there are no athletic commission sanctions against any mammal competing over the age of 300 dog years, the Nevada State Athletic Commission said they may look into it. When Couture was asked to comment on the situation he seemed upset by the revelation.

"Maybe it is time for me to hang it up. Even if I can still use my wrestling skills to grind out wins against inferior talent, being 322 in dog years can't be safe for competing in the octagon." A dejected Couture said before drifting off for a late afternoon nap.

Special Report: Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida Not Really A Dragon

In stunning news out of Brazil UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Lyoto Machida has been arrested for impersonating a dragon. The fighter could face a mandatory sentence of 100 years in prison for dragon fraud.

It is believed outrage over his controversial title win against Mauricio "Shogun" Rua motivated authorities to start researching the fighter's background in hopes of stripping his title. DNA tests on both his mother and father came back negative for Dragon DNA.

Through an interpreter Lyoto Machida said he was angered no one believed that he really is a dragon, "I have gone through many hardships being both human and dragon and now to have to defend myself for it is very disappointing. I can't even imagine how much of a pain it would be to have to remove my middle name 'The Dragon' on both my driver's licence and passport."

GSP Has To Send His Only Suit To Dry Cleaners

While making an appearance in Manchester, England at UFC 105 GSP got a stain on his one and only pinstriped suit. The suit was sent out to dry cleaning immediately but it is not known if the stain can be completely removed.

The fact that GSP dresses up for public appearances is viewed by most as very respectful of the sport. It is seen as a nice change from the normal MMA ensemble of a t-shirt with a picture of a lion raping a tiger on top of a cross but now his only suit is in jeopardy.

"I was eating ehhhh french friez after the event and ehhh I unfortunately spilled some ketchup on my suit." An agitated GSP said about the incident. "Luckily, my trainer Firas Zahibi was there and he tried to dab seltzer on it which helped a little but did not remove the stain completely. So ehhhh we had to give it to the dry cleaners."

No one could confirm or deny if the cleaners got the stain out but many are wondering if this could prompt GSP to have to buy a new suit.

BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Potato Head Admits Tito Ortiz Is His Son

Mr. Potato Head has finally come clean and admitted while at a toy fair in Huntington Beach in 1974 he got drunk and impregnated a local woman who gave birth to their child, famous fighter Tito Ortiz.

Friends of both Mr. Potato Head and Tito Ortiz always said there was a resemblance but were shocked to learn that the two are not only related but that Mr. Potato Head actually has working sexual reproductive organs.

"We all make mistakes. I had a little too much vodka one night and Tito was born nine months later. It's up to Tito what kind of relationship he wants. I would love to corner him for a fight one day." Mr. Potato Head said.

Critics wonder how this news may effect Ortiz as he continues to compete in such a macho sport now knowing his father dresses in women's clothing sometimes.